The Hotel Room Moment
“Mom, we have something very serious to tell you.” Angel greeted me at the door of our Universal Studios hotel room with this solemn (and ominous) opening. I had sent him back to the room while I finished paying for dinner to check on his twin brother. Giovanni had left dinner abruptly, with tears in his eyes, and a muttered, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
I sat down on the bed and braced myself. We were at the tail end of our vacation, which had been fabulous and a “once-in-a-lifetime” experience for our family. My sons were in seventh grade (age 12) and at a delightful stage of development where they could safely meander the park and the on-site hotel without adult oversight. “Let’s hear it.”
They looked at each other and Angel nodded. Giovanni spoke. “I need $200.”
I took a deep breath and looked at him. Maybe the resort wasn’t quite as safe as I’d suspected? Maybe I had just made the most colossal mistake of my parenting journey? Had he gotten his heart set on some ridiculously overpriced souvenir and had predicted (correctly) that my response would be a definitive “no?”
“That’s a lot of money, Giovanni. Why do you need $200?”
“I saw this video and there is an asteroid that’s going to hit Earth. And there is this machine that costs $200 that will protect our house from getting hit. And this asteroid will kill pets, and I want Maui and Einstein to be safe. We have to buy one soon before they run out.”
I wanted to laugh from relief and appreciation for the vestige of childhood innocence that remained as his body and mind were shifting toward adolescence. The tears swimming in his brown eyes stopped that response. “That sounds really scary. Did you leave dinner because you were worrying about this?”
Giovanni and Angel nodded. Giovanni continued. “Yeah, and so this guy has his machine set up in his basement. His house is protected, and he said that we need to buy this machine and set it up in our basement. I know it’s a lot of money, Mom, but we don’t want Maui and Einstein to get killed or our house blown up.”
I nodded. “No, we certainly don’t. But, Giovanni, we don’t have a basement.”
“I thought about that. We need to build one.”
Why This Came Back To Me
I was reminded of this interaction earlier this week when I was watching the news, and I felt my fears and worries climbing. It’s a scary, hard time that we are living right now, fellow travelers, and some of the fears and uncertainty that we’re facing won’t be resolved with a quick fact-check.
I turned off the TV and returned to the simple 4-question algorithm that I use when talking to clients about managing anxiety when fears and worries strike.
The Four-Question Anxiety Algorithm
Question 1: It this happening right now?
- If yes, proceed to question 2.
- If no, ask yourself a follow-up question: Do I want to continue thinking about this or think about/do something else? Proceed to Question 2 for a “no” response. If your answer is “yes,” reach for self-compassion and honor that you aren’t ready to move forward yet. When you’re ready, proceed to Question 2.
Question 2: Is there anything that I could do about it right now?
- If yes, create a menu of choices (at least 3 options) & select one.
- If no, ask yourself, “Do I want to continue thinking about this or think about/do something else?” Either proceed to Question 3 (“no” response) or self-compassionately honor that you are choosing to remain in your current mental space for a bit longer and will proceed to Question 3 when you are ready.
Question 3: What could possibly happen? (3 steps)
- Create a list of options
- Review the list and rank from best possible outcome to worst
- Identify the most likely outcome
Question 4: Will I survive…the most likely outcome? The worst one?
- If yes, take a deep breath, honor how big the feelings feel right now, and remind yourself that you are living a story that is under development, and that you will keep moving forward bravely.
- If no, take a deep breath, honor how big the feelings feel, and remind yourself that you are living a story that is under development with an unknown outcome, and that you will keep moving forward bravely.
What We Did That Night
That night in the hotel room, I didn’t hand Giovanni my credit card to purchase the asteroid protection machine, nor did I hire anyone to build our house a basement. We instead had a long conversation about how when we hear scary things, it’s important to research and listen to what the scientists and (legitimate) professionals tell us. I showed him and his brother how to use a search engine to fact check fears that are evoked from information that finds its way to our minds and hearts. (It probably won’t surprise you, fellow traveler, that there were no credible warnings of an impending asteroid strike that would target homes and pets.) I then modeled for them that, after we’ve informed ourselves and answered our question, we need to shut the laptop and invest our time, attention, and energy into “right now life” instead of remaining future-focused. The very serious conversation ended with a trip downstairs to the ice cream shop because Giovanni was hungry from missing dinner…and ice cream has the power to heal a lot of big worries when we’re 12.
Living the Questions (And Why That’s Hard)
Ah, fellow travelers, don’t you wish that our current adult fears could be soothed or erased as quickly as Giovanni’s were that night? There simply isn’t enough ice cream right now.
I’m not sure about you, but the question “How do we get through this?” swirls through my mind frequently as I’m pulled from whatever I’m doing to read a notification about some news update. When that question arises, I honor the wisdom of Rainer Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet and remind myself that now is a time for living the questions and awaiting the answers to reveal themselves.
That’s hard, isn’t it? Living the questions isn’t fun when so much of current life feels uncertain and beyond our control. Likely the answer to the ever-present question of “How do we get through this?” lies in being intentional about where we invest our time, attention, and energy right now (1) and (2) remembering that flowing through our blood is the DNA of our ancestors who figured out how to survive changing conditions, hard times, and what likely felt catastrophic when they were living through it. Remember…we’re still walking around the planet, unlike the dinosaurs, woolly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers. We know how to figure things out and survive some very difficult circumstances.
Odds and Endings (With a Wink)
Odds are, fellow travelers, that we will survive what we are tasked with living right now. Unless a giant asteroid strikes and the only survivors are the cockroaches and the humans who had purchased the $200 machines and built basements. Sounds like a haunting Would You Rather? question, doesn’t it?
While I’m waiting for the answers to reveal themselves and for this very challenging era to shift to the history books, I’ll continue circling through the anxiety algorithm when needed, stay focused on living the present moment, and appreciate the brightly colored polka dots of joy and wonder when the dark background feels uncertain and scary. There is too much good stuff we’ll miss if we keep watching the sky, waiting for the asteroid to strike.
Ubuntu, fellow travelers.
— Jennifer
For you, Giovanni. This is the version of that conversation that I carry, and I apologize if my recall is incorrect. If we ever find ourselves lamenting that we didn’t invest in the machine or building a basement, I give you permission to say you told me so.
