The holidays can be stressful during times of family conflict or unresolved tension. Instead of joy, you may feel grief, anxiety, or quiet pressure to keep the peace. This post offers self-compassion strategies to help you navigate complicated relationships, set boundaries, and find moments of calm during the holiday season.
Fellow travelers—what will you do with your one wild and precious opportunity to live this upcoming holiday season?
(Hat tip to Mary Oliver’s “The Summer Day.”*)
Not sure yet? Let’s get more specific. How might you choose to move through the holidays imperfectly, self-compassionately, and in alignment with your core values and self-worth—especially when family tension makes that feel hard to do?
When family conflict lingers, traditions often carry on as usual—some relatives hurting from unresolved issues, others unaware, and still others avoiding discomfort by clinging to what feels familiar. In that swirl of emotions and expectations, those simple questions suddenly feel complicated.
So let’s attempt to simplify. At its heart, the choice often comes down to this: Will you go along with the family’s chosen path, or will you go your own way this year?
There is no right answer, dear ones. Both choices involve trade-offs, both carry challenges, and neither is likely to feel ideal. Yet both become more manageable when you prepare with a few guidelines and boundaries.
Read on, fellow travelers…
*Oliver, M. (2020). Devotions: the selected poems of Mary Oliver. Penguin Press.
Dear Holiday Hassled,
In your original letter, you asked for ideas on how to manage the emotions that surface as we prepare for the holidays—not the joyful moments filled with laughter and lightheartedness, but the heavy ones that seem to stand in opposition to how we’re told we should feel.
In the first blog of our Holiday Survival Guide series, we explored self-compassionate boundary-setting for people-pleasing tendencies. In the second, we talked about grief and missing loved ones—through loss or estrangement. In the third, we focused on supporting children and loved ones through their grief process.
This morning, as I walked my dogs, another layer of holiday challenge came to mind—one that many of us quietly carry but rarely talk about: sharing space with someone who has hurt us and feeling pressured to “move on” for the sake of others’ comfort. How do we make room for the grief that comes with family conflict or tension—especially when the past hurts remain unresolved?
This is a unique kind of grief—not the deep sorrow of death or a breakup, but grief wrapped in complicated emotions: anger, helplessness, and a lingering hope that the other person might change, apologize, or validate our pain. And ultimately, commit to changed behavior with greater awareness and sensitivity to our experience.
It gets even harder when others—who may not share our experience—stay neutral, urge reconciliation, or minimize the harm. Instead of the support we need, we are left feeling isolated.
It’s not easier or harder than other forms of grief. It’s simply different. And difficult—especially at a time when we are bombarded by holiday traditions, nostalgic memories, and movies and social media posts that depict family togetherness without a hint of discord or struggle.
My hope, Holiday Hassled, is that you’re not carrying this kind of grief this season. But if you are—or if you’re supporting someone who is—read on.
Two Stories of Silence: When Support Feels Out of Reach
Several years ago, I worked with a client who ended a five-year relationship just before the holidays. Charlotte (identifying details changed) had worked hard to foster empathy and open communication, while her partner often minimized, deflected, or badmouthed her to their mutual friends—chosen family to them both.
During their final text exchange, her ex wrote: “Love me enough to move on.”
On the surface, it sounded reasonable. Beneath it, though, the message dismissed years of emotional pain and subtly shifted blame back onto Charlotte. To make matters worse, their mutual friends stayed silent—choosing neutrality over support.
For Charlotte, that silence felt like rejection. It felt like choosing a side—her ex’s side, more specifically.
Her story isn’t unique. Many of us know the ache of being quietly sidelined while others carry on as if nothing happened. But that kind of pain doesn’t just appear in romantic relationships—it can show up in families too.
When Jason (identifying details changed) first came to see me a year or so after Charlotte, he was struggling with the fallout from a failed business partnership and the closure of their company. Jason believed the collapse stemmed from his partner’s poor management and excessive spending, while he had handled his responsibilities—especially the company’s finances—diligently and conscientiously.
When he came to therapy, Jason and his former partner were no longer speaking, following an explosive argument and accusations of financial mismanagement. The most painful part? Jason’s business partner was also his brother-in-law.
As the holidays approached, Jason felt a deep sense of dread. His sister and her husband refused to speak to him, and the rest of the family had taken the understandable (but still hurtful) stance, “We’re staying out of this.”
Charlotte and Jason reflect two experiences of disconnection that often emerge during the holidays—a season when we long to feel seen, valued, and connected to the people we love.
- Spending the holidays without loved ones who have pulled others to their side, leaving us feeling excluded.
- Spending the holidays sitting with loved ones who have harmed us, while others carry on as if our pain never occurred.
The Holiday Dilemma
When family conflict, emotional tension and holiday expectations collide, we often face two imperfect choices: go along or go your own way. Neither option is easy. Both deserve thoughtful consideration, support, clarity, and self-compassion.
Both may feel like a sacrifice of what we truly want—resolution or reconciliation—and instead, like settling for the better of two less-than-ideal options. Both can leave us feeling like our boundaries, experiences, and emotions were not held respectfully or with empathy.
Both will typically involve a boundary crossing. So how do we tell when it’s happening—and how far it’s gone? Let’s look at a simple way to track those signals, fellow travelers.
Your Inner Stoplight: Recognizing When It’s Time to Go, Slow Down, or Step Away
I think of boundary crossings like a stoplight.
Green:
Things feel manageable. I’m engaged in the conversation and able to stay present with those around me. My mind and body feel steady, and I can focus on the moment without distraction. Keep going forward.
Yellow:
I’m noticing the first clues from my mind and body that something isn’t right. I may feel myself getting defensive or searching for flaws in what’s being said. My muscles tighten, my heart rate speeds up, and I catch myself counting the steps to the exit and how many minutes remain. Slow down. Proceed with caution.
Red:
My inner alarm is sounding. My face feels hot, my heart is racing, and I feel the urge to fight, flee, or freeze. In this state, all my energy is going toward holding myself together and reminding myself that this moment will eventually pass. Stop right now. Step away as quickly as possible.
Paying attention to these signals is an act of resilience and self-kindness. It offers a chance to choose intentional action and compassion over impulsive reactions. This is a courageous pause—the moment when you step out of autopilot, interrupt old patterns, and stop fueling unhealthy relationship dynamics.
That pause creates space for reflection—space to ask yourself whether it feels wiser to go along or to go your own way, either for this holiday season as a whole or in specific moments when discomfort arises.
If You Choose to Go Along
Guidelines
- Maintain realistic expectations. You don’t need to pretend everything is fine or take responsibility for others’ comfort.
- Take a break. Step outside, journal, or run a quick errand if emotions run high.
- Use self-compassion phrases. Example: “Okay, my sadness is rising. It won’t last forever, and I will get through this.”
- Reach out for validation. A quick text to a trusted friend: “Hey, remind me I’m going to get through this?”
- Decide where your boundaries will be. “Go along” does not mean accepting behavior that feels disrespectful of you or your experiences.
Boundary Areas to Explore & Suggestions
- Communication boundaries
- Commit boundary-setting phrases to memory:
- “I’ve promised myself not to discuss what happened.”
- “We don’t see that the same way. Let’s agree to disagree.”
- “Yes, it’s been a tough time. I’m not ready to talk, but I will reach out when I am.”
- If phrases don’t work, choose action:
- Yellow light: Step away—refill your drink, take a short walk, or run an errand.
- Red light: Step away and evaluate if you need a longer break or to leave.
- Commit boundary-setting phrases to memory:
- Time management boundaries
- Arrive on time (not early) and set a flexible time range in your head.
- Have a hard stop to ensure you have recovery time afterward.
- Self-care boundaries
- Plan a stress-relieving activity beforehand and something uplifting afterward.
- Develop a self-talk plan: “Take a breath.” “Don’t take the bait.” “What does self-compassion look like right now?”
- Ask trusted loved ones to provide validation via text message.
If You Choose to Go Your Own Way
Guidelines
- Honor the courage of your decision. Sometimes self-compassion means setting firm boundaries, no matter how others react.
- Make a plan. Schedule activities that nurture you—like a movie marathon, a hike with a friend, or volunteering—so you don’t get stuck in rumination.
- Validate your feelings. Example: “I feel sad today, and it’s hard to be alone while others are celebrating. This sadness won’t last forever, but right now it’s real and painful.”
- Stay connected. Ask someone you trust to touch base with you—and send that “I need some support right now” text: “Just need a quick pep talk—can you remind me I’ll be okay?”
Boundary Areas to Explore & Suggestions
- Self-talk boundaries
- Make a list of predictable, painful feelings you might face (sadness, guilt, anger, anxiety).
- Review Megan’s self-compassion guidelines (Step 6) from Part 2.
- Commit to minimizing self-blame and criticism of your choices.
- Communication boundaries
- Be clear with yourself—and others—about whether you’re sharing a decision you’ve made or asking for input.
- Redirect if needed: “I understand you don’t agree with my plan. But this is what I decided is best for me this year.”
- Set a personal commitment around texts/calls—give yourself permission not to respond immediately unless it’s urgent.
- Tip: Consider setting a time boundary for messages from people who tend to trigger impulsive replies or emotional over-disclosure.
Example: “No responses for at least an hour—maybe longer—until I’ve had time to breathe and reflect or check in with a trusted person about my response.” - Tip: If you anticipate hearing from an ex-partner or loved one with whom things feel unresolved, prepare a calm, pre-written reply.
Example: “Good to hear from you. I need some time to think about that.”
- Tip: Consider setting a time boundary for messages from people who tend to trigger impulsive replies or emotional over-disclosure.
- Social media boundaries
- Reflect on what emotions may arise when you see posts from ex-partners or family.
- Schedule social media time intentionally to avoid fueling pain.
- Tip: Avoid scrolling when you’re feeling sad, frustrated, anxious, excluded, or nostalgic—it often amplifies emotional pain instead of soothing it.
- Tip: Remember that moments of vulnerability can make impulsive posts or comments more likely. Pause before engaging, and return when you feel grounded.
- Watch your boundary-crossing stoplight. Choose action accordingly.
- Activity boundaries
- Plan activities that bring balance: a walk, a massage, a new movie, volunteering, time with friends.
- Remind yourself that your world is bigger than your current pain. Once you’ve validated your emotions, give yourself permission to explore new places or experiences.
- Arrange check-ins with friends to avoid isolation.
- Be gentle with social media use. When you’re feeling vulnerable, avoid scrolling or comparing your behind-the-scenes holiday messiness to someone else’s polished highlight reel.
Final Reflections
Not every holiday will look like a Hallmark movie, Holiday Hassled. In fact, most won’t. Real-life holidays are messier, harder, and rarely follow a perfectly scripted storyline.
Remember, dear one: unlike characters on screen, we don’t have a professional writer feeding us perfect lines or arranging events to guarantee a happy ending.
What we do have is authorship of our own story—and one guaranteed opportunity to live it well.
Your task isn’t to write it flawlessly—it’s simply to live this moment as it unfolds, and to give yourself permission to do it imperfectly.
One gentle reminder: be clear about what is on your to-do list—and what is not. You are responsible for expressing yourself with honesty and respect, and for treating yourself with self-compassion. Others are responsible for their reactions, their repair work, and their choices.
Happy holidays! Thank you for supporting the blog this year.
Ubuntu, fellow travelers.
— Jennifer
P.S. We covered a lot of ground today! To make it easier to keep these ideas close, here’s a one-page cheat sheet you can carry with you.
Still River Counseling’s Holiday Conflict Survival Checklist
Before Finalizing Plans or Attending Events
- Decide what “go along” boundaries look like for you.
- Make a must-do vs. nice-to-do list for your time and energy.
- Prepare self-compassion phrases:
- “I can get through this.”
- “I’m not a bad person to prioritize my needs.”
- Line up a supportive friend you can text if you need grounding or validation.
During Holiday Event(s)
- Notice your boundary-crossing stoplight:
- Green – calm, present, steady.
- Yellow – tension rising, heart rate up, urge to defend.
- Red – fight/flight/freeze, inner alarm sounding.
- Step away briefly at yellow — take a walk, refill a drink, or pause to breathe.
- If red, opt for a longer break or choose to leave the space.
- Respect your time boundary — leave when you said you would.
If You Choose to Go Along
- Ground yourself: “I can show up without taking responsibility for everyone’s comfort.”
- Set realistic expectations: The goal isn’t perfection — it’s presence and self-respect.
- Notice your stoplight: Step away at yellow; pause or exit if you reach red.
- Use self-compassion phrases: “This is hard, but I can handle it.” “I’m allowed to ask for what I want or need.”
- Reach out for support: Text a trusted friend for a quick reality check or encouragement.
If You Choose to Go Your Own Way
- Affirm your choice: “This is what I need to take care of myself.”
- Make a plan: Movie marathon, volunteering, hike, or creative project.
- Set boundaries: Limit communication and social media time to what feels healthy.
- Stay connected: Schedule check-ins with supportive friends or loved ones.
- Gentle Reminder: Your only job is to care for yourself with honesty and compassion. Others are responsible for their own reactions and repair work — not you, fellow traveler.
