How to deal with self-doubt using self-compassion. Learn how to work with fear instead of fighting it and make decisions that align with your values, goals, and hopes for the future.
Fear and self-doubt are two snake-like thought patterns with an unparalleled gift for invading our happiness and dreams. They keep us stuck in patterns, relationships, careers, and other experiences we have already outgrown. We often believe that the best way to combat fear and self-doubt is through force or fancy mental gymnastics meant to push them away.
But what might happen if, instead of pushing against them, we invited them in closer and allowed them to become part of our decision-making when we sense we are ready for change?
This is the first post in a three-part series exploring self-doubt and what becomes possible when we lean into fearful thinking with curiosity and compassion, rather than letting it quietly run the show.
If you are familiar with self-doubt and the worries our inner critics like to throw at us, read on.
Dear Jennifer,
I dropped out of school in 10th grade when my girlfriend got pregnant six years ago. Since then, I’ve had a bunch of different jobs. I didn’t really like any of them until I started working at a grocery store about five years ago.
My manager told me I should think about getting my GED and maybe going to college so I could be a manager someday. I never thought about doing that before she said it, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. She says I’d be good at it, and that the company will pay for most of it if I keep working part-time.
I like the idea, but I know I’d have to study a lot to pass the test, and school was always hard for me. Part of me wants to try, but another part of me thinks I’ll just fail.
What should I do? Help.
Unsure Where to Go
Dear Unsure Where to Go,
Oh, fellow traveler, your words resonate with me. I have been there, dear one, and most people I know have traveled their own canoes in the same stream you find yourself navigating. It is a stream with a strong current, and it can be hard to find our bearings while we work just to stay upright.
Self-doubt is sneaky, isn’t it? It has a way of showing up just when our ideas are getting good and our feet are itching to take a step toward something new. It pulls us away from possibility and into old stories that underestimate our capacity and narrow our options.
As the Year of the Snake comes to an end and the Year of the Horse begins — a time associated with movement and courage in many traditions — it feels like a fitting moment to talk about self-doubt and how our fears and past struggles can affect our willingness to take risks that expand who we are and how we see ourselves.
Years ago, Unsure, I was wrestling with self-doubt about leaving a job and taking a big risk. At the same time, I happened to be in an eight-month self-compassion class where, week after week, people shared stories about negative self-talk and fear. What I learned quickly was this: self-doubt is remarkably universal. Different stories, same internal struggles.
During that season, I wrote a short story about a visit from Self-Doubt. Your letter inspired me to reread it, revise it, and add some reflection exercises to help others explore their own relationship with self-doubt.
So let me tell you that story.
When Self-Doubt Visits
I hear a knock at the door. After a glance at the doodling that reflects my inability to turn a new idea into anything of substance, I put down my notebook. The knocking grows louder and more insistent as I head to the front door. I open it, hoping to see Inspiration and Creativity — their visits energize me in every possible way — but instead I exhale a long sigh when I recognize my visitor.
It is Self-Doubt.
Self-Doubt looks like me, but she isn’t me. She has my hair and eyes, and sometimes she even wears my clothes. Her voice is like mine, but rougher — edged in ways that self-compassion, grace, and curiosity haven’t yet smoothed away.
Her visits follow a familiar pattern. She arrives when I feel frustrated or disappointed, or when a new idea has just been born and I don’t yet know what to do next. This is when she barges in, settles onto my comfortable couch, pulls me down beside her, and starts talking and talking and talking.
Her voice consumes my space and energy until my own voice grows quiet. I sink deeper into the couch cushions, and my favorite parts of myself — my curiosity, my desire for connection, and my sense of adventure — retreat to safer places. After she finally leaves, I wrap myself in a blanket, shielding myself from the echoes of her words while I slowly recover. Sometimes that takes a few minutes. Often, it takes much longer.
This time, though, I pause with my hand on the doorknob and take a slow breath while Self-Doubt waits to be invited in. I ask myself what I know for sure. I know I don’t like how empty I feel after her visits. I know how hard it is to get off that couch. And I know how much I miss the parts of me that disappear when she takes over the room — my curiosity, my sense of adventure, and that quiet pull to stretch beyond my comfort zone.
My inner voice whispers, “Then find somewhere else to sit.”
I smile at Self-Doubt and invite her in. As she heads toward the couch, I stop her.
“Let’s sit at the table today.”
She shrugs and drops into a chair. She looks at my doodles and grins.
“Still early stages,” I say. “Tea?”
She nods.
As I grab two mugs, I find myself humming the opening notes of a favorite song. I feel my body shift off the panic road it was starting to travel and onto a gentler path. As the tea brews, the lyrics settle into my mind:
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
My heartbeat steadies as I hand her a mug of jasmine tea.
— “This Is Me,” The Greatest Showman
Returning to you, Unsure Where to Go…
Is Self-Doubt visiting you right now? I recognize some familiar patterns in your words. It sounds like your visitor may be pulling your focus away from hope and toward worst-case scenarios and memories of past struggles.
Start with a deep breath.
When your body feels a bit more settled, let’s return to your question.
What should you do? The first step is deciding how you want to handle Self-Doubt’s unexpected visit.
I see three common paths.
Work with Fear: 3 Pathways
You can push back on it — gather evidence, argue with it, recruit mental soldiers until it retreats. That can work for a while, but it often leaves us on constant alert, waiting for the next attack.
You can run from it — stuff it into a box, hide it in the back of the closet, distract yourself until you forget it’s there. That can work too… until the box opens, or the doubt sneaks back in when you least expect it.
Most of us have tried both. And most of us know neither is a lasting solution.
There is a third path, Unsure — and it is often the hardest.
You can invite self-doubt in and listen to what it has to say.
That can sound like self-sabotage, can’t it? Why would anyone welcome a voice that seems to undermine confidence and courage just when we need them most? And yet, beneath its harsh delivery, self-doubt is usually trying to protect us from painful outcomes — disappointment, shame, hurt, and loss.
My grandfather was an electrical engineer with a wildly creative mind. He once rewired a car so it started with a light switch instead of a key (circa 1936). He wired a kitchen table so that it could turn every light in the house on and off and ring a bell in the back of the house to signal that dinner was ready.
He used to say the secret to decision-making was weighing the worst potential risk against the best possible benefit. He would always end with, “If it could end in death, Jenny, it probably isn’t worth it.”
In its own clumsy way, self-doubt often invites us into that same kind of pause — a moment of risk-benefit reflection that considers past experiences, current resources, and what might help us move forward with greater support.
So let’s look at your situation, Unsure. What is the worst likely risk of preparing for the GED and enrolling in college? Death seems highly unlikely. Perhaps the worst risk is that you study, it doesn’t go as well as you hoped, and you must contend with disappointment, frustration, or even shame before regrouping, learning from the missteps, and deciding what comes next.
And what might be the best possible benefit? Maybe it’s a sense of pride. Maybe it’s new opportunities. Maybe it’s the chance to mentor other employees who, like you, need someone to believe in them when Self-Doubt starts talking.
I can’t tell you what to do, Unsure Where to Go. What I do know is this: listening to Self-Doubt often quiets the noise and gives us the best chance of making an intentional decision about the path we wish to travel.
Read on next week, and we’ll talk about what it can look like to sit at the table with Self-Doubt and respond to what it has to say.
Ubuntu, fellow traveler.
Warmly,
Jennifer
Thanks, Pop. 🤍
Want to explore a few earlier Still River Reflections that connect with today’s theme of self-doubt?
- Summoning courage to release what no longer serves you
(link to “Snake on the Porch”) - Being intentional about where you invest your time, attention, and energy
(link to “Energy Pennies”) - Shifting toward self-compassionate inner dialogue and releasing unrealistic expectations
(link to “Embrace the Tardy”)
P.S. If today’s reflection resonated and you’d like to explore your own relationship with self-doubt a bit more, I invite you to pause with the questions below. As always, let your reflection unfold at a pace that feels comfortable to you. There’s no need to hurry.
© 2026 Jennifer Ayres, PhD | Still River Counseling, PLLC
Written with care for fellow travelers navigating life’s changing currents.
🌐 StillRiverCounseling.com | 📍 Austin, TX
Rest. Reflect. Reimagine.
Travel below the surface.
Part 1: Noticing When Self-Doubt Arrives
1. How do you recognize Self-Doubt when it shows up?
Thoughts:
What does it say to you? What phrases or predictions does it repeat? What thoughts or images come to mind?
Body cues:
What sensations do you notice in your body?
Emotions:
What feelings tend to come up?
Behaviors:
Do you notice yourself pulling back, procrastinating, overworking, avoiding, or seeking reassurance?
2. Which path do you usually take?
When self-doubt shows up, do you tend to:
☐ Argue with it and try to prove it wrong
☐ Avoid it or distract yourself
☐ A mix of both
Do you notice certain situations where one approach shows up more than the other?
3. Whose voice does Self-Doubt sound like?
Does it sound like:
☐ Your own voice
☐ Someone from your past
☐ A mix of both
If it reminds you of someone else, who might that be?
4. What parts of you fade when Self-Doubt takes over?
What qualities or activities tend to disappear?
Examples: creativity, confidence, playfulness, connection, rest
5. How long has Self-Doubt been visiting?
Do you remember when it first started showing up in your life?
6. Gentle Action Step (Optional)
If you were to take one small, low-risk step toward something you want — even with self-doubt present — what might that be?
© 2026 Jennifer Ayres, PhD | Still River Counseling, PLLC
Written with care for fellow travelers navigating life’s changing currents.
🌐 StillRiverCounseling.com | 📍 Austin, TX
