Dear Jennifer,
I am panicking as the COVID numbers rise. It seems like every day the news gets worse and I’m struggling to balance parenting and work. Nothing feels safe right now. Help!
— Pandemic Parenting
Dear Pandemic Parenting,
You are not alone. Your panic and struggle are felt by comrades around the globe.
A few weeks ago, I taught our summer school students about anxiety and the members of the “Anxiety Family” (e.g. Worried, Anxious, Uncertain, Terrified, Startled). We learned that all Anxiety family members share a common trait: They are experienced both physically (via our brain chemicals and body sensations) and mentally (via our thoughts). Panic is the family’s loudest, most outspoken relative and nobody wants her to visit. Nevertheless, she occasionally invites herself over and typically behaves obnoxiously during her visits. Let me describe how her visit may go during pandemic times.
When Panic Knocks
There is a knock on the door. We open the door, excited to see who awaits entry into our homes that have been devoid of visitors since March. We deflate immediately when we see it is Panic. She is tall, with wild hair, and arms that gesticulate frantically. We feel her energy through the closed door. Do we invite her in? Leave her on the porch while she continues knocking and distracting us? We debate and deliberate, and ultimately decide that we have a better chance of hastening her visit if we bestow hospitality.
She comes in and sits on our couch. We cautiously sit across from her on the chair and await her next move. We feel our heart rates speed up and our muscles prepare to fight, flee or freeze. We take a deep breath and tighten our fists, hold for a count of five, then release slowly. We remind ourselves that she is a visitor, not a permanent resident. She will go home. We just need to survive the visit.
Then she starts talking. She voices every fear we have and brings up ones we hadn’t considered. Her predictions are fatalistic and end in horrible outcomes. Our bodies respond as we try to make sense of her words. Our heart rates move beyond “speeding up” to “sprinting” and we feel our muscles tighten. Our minds are racing as we envision ourselves living horribly devastating moments. Somewhere from the recesses of our spinning brains comes a small voice: “Slow down. Take a breath.”
Grounding the Body, Settling the Mind
It probably won’t help, but listening to her outline our worst-case scenarios isn’t helping either. So we give it a try. We take a deep breath. It doesn’t work. Our hearts continue to sprint and our thoughts continue to spin. The small voice speaks again: “It’s okay. Try again. Then try again until you don’t need to try anymore.” We do. After the tenth breath, our heart rates slow and our thoughts ease a bit.
“Now,” the small voice continues, “what do you know is true?”
We take another deep breath. Panic is still droning on but her voice seems quieter and less frenetic. What do we know is true? We hate when Panic visits. “True. What do you know is 100% certain?” We feel our feet on the floor and our backs against the chair. “Keep going. What else?” We hear our dog’s snoring across the room and see his chest rise and fall with his breath. We close our eyes and smell the lotion we put on before Panic’s visit. We taste the tea that lingers in our mouths. “Okay. What else?” We are scared, for ourselves, our children, their teachers, our health care providers, and everyone else who helps us live safely. “Yes. Absolutely. What else?” We don’t know what the right answers are. We don’t know how many people we love will be affected by the virus. We don’t know when or how or if it will be safe to return to everyday life. We don’t know how long it will take to financially recover and feel safe again. “Yes to all of it. What else?” We don’t know how to manage work demands and childcare during a pandemic and there isn’t a manual we could buy off Amazon to give us direction. We want our kids and their teachers to return to school safely. “So true. What else?” It’s really hard right now and we’re tired and there isn’t an end in sight. “Yes. It takes a lot of bravery to keep going right now when things are so hard.” We don’t feel brave. “That’s true. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t. Anything else?” We shake our heads.
Seeing Panic’s Intention
We notice that we aren’t hearing Panic’s voice or feeling her energy reverberate through our bodies. We open our eyes. While we were settling our bodies and thoughts, the tall woman with the gesticulating arms and wild hair morphed into an innocent toddler with braids. She pulls her thumb from her mouth and crawls into our lap. We smile at her and hug her to us, breathing in her scent of talcum powder and baby shampoo. “I just wanted to keep us safe.” We nod. “Let’s go be brave together.” We take her hand and walk outside. Together.
A Compassionate Reframe
Panic’s visits aren’t easy. They typically occur at inopportune times, like when something threatening is occurring. The emotional overload they evoke limits our ability to objectively and logically evaluate information, and they set us up for a fight-flight-freeze response. When we calm our bodies and settle our minds, we distance ourselves from her stirring monologue. The distance allows us to see our experience more clearly and discover what is underneath the emotional upset and adrenaline responses. Panic typically begins with a good, loving intention (keep ourselves safe) and morphs into something overwhelming and scary. When we return to the initial intention, we are better able to emotionally and mentally self-regulate and navigate the challenging waters around us.
Ubuntu, fellow travelers.
— Jennifer
I wrote the following blog in 2020, during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Life felt uncertain, out of control, and we were grieving the normalcy of everyday life that we had not fully appreciated while we were busy living it. I was reminded of this blog tonight during a session with a brave woman who is in the early stages of surviving something that is shifting her life from “before” to “now.” We discussed that sometimes our feelings arrive, uninvited, and we must decide how to handle their visit while we wait for “later” and “relieved we are through that” to reveal themselves.
Pandemic Parenting was originally published in the Rawson Saunders School community newsletter. It is the intellectual property of the school.
