Average Sunday evening, 7:30 to 8:30 PM. The last of the weekend’s homework is completed and the backpacks are ready for the Monday morning rush out the door. The Sunday groceries are put away and the lunch boxes are on the counter, ready to be filled in less than 12 hours. The dishwasher is humming as it begins its cycle. The dogs are sighing in contented naps and chasing imaginary squirrels while the (human) boys are upstairs navigating laundry, showers, and device-related activities.
It sounds peaceful, doesn’t it?
It would be an excellent setting for self-reflective journal writing or some yoga poses or sipping on some jasmine tea while identifying life’s gratitudes and reliving highlights of a delightful weekend.
Nope. What am I doing instead? Sitting at our breakfast room table, looking at the upcoming week’s schedule and inserting “didn’t get to that this weekend” tasks into an already packed agenda.
The Syncing Reality
To accomplish this activity, I open three different electronic health records, my google calendar, and my paper calendar to ensure that everything is synced. By the time Saturday’s schedule is confirmed across all five calendars, I typically sigh as a variation on the thought “My schedule is running me instead of my running it” emerges.
A couple weeks ago, instead of retreating upstairs after the calendar syncing was complete, I remained at the table. I closed all the electronic health records and looked at the google calendar for the upcoming week.
It was going to be a busy week with lots of colors indicating various tasks. On most days, the yellow, pink, or green client appointments began at 9 and ended about nine hours later, with a mid-day hour blocked for lunch, catching up on documentation, and returning phone calls and emails. The day itself would end around 8:30 when the final note was written and submitted, homework assistance provided, the kitchen cleaned up, and the washing machine load transferred to the dryer.
Boundary Insight: Internal vs. External
At the time, I was reading an interesting book (Boundary Boss by Terri Cole*) for an upcoming lecture on compassionate boundary-setting. There were many parts of the book that I found interesting. During a particularly salient portion, she explored that there are two types of boundaries: Internal and external.
Internal boundaries are the commitments that we make to ourselves. They could be goals, activities, or ensuring that we are being self-respectful and self-compassionate in our daily lives. External boundaries, on the other hand, are what we typically think of when we consider boundary-setting. They include, but are not limited to, the borders that separate us from other people, the no responses and the yeses, and what we will tolerate from others versus what we will not.
We are all aware of the importance of external boundaries and the stress that results when we do not have boundary clarity; however, often we lack an awareness of the importance of the internal boundaries that we create and the impact of violating them on our sense of self. When we do not follow through on what we have committed to ourselves, our lives feel beyond our control. We drop our inner compasses and follow undesirable maps like others’ expectations, old rules and patterns that no longer fit, the status quo, and avoidance behaviors to neutralize the quiet desperation Henry David Thoreau warned us about.
Spotting Broken Internal Boundaries
I sat at my table that Sunday evening and looked at my google calendar. Two things stood out. One, there wasn’t much open, white space that reflected unscheduled time between taking the kids to school and my aspirational bedtime of 9PM. For a naturally Type B person, that felt oppressive. Two, there were a lot of broken internal boundaries reflected in what wasn’t scheduled. The nightly family dinners, originally intended to be opportunities to process the transition to high school, weren’t going to be possible that week. The two-hour, daytime blocks to go to the gym between morning and afternoon clients weren’t going to be possible either. Nor were the daily morning walks with the dogs, due to needing that time to prepare for a lecture, sort the mail, and/or catch up on paperwork from the weekend. The list went on…and on…and on. So many broken internal boundaries. Yes, a lot would be accomplished that week…but at what cost?
My schedule was running me, and I needed to resume control of it.
After taking a moment for a few centering breaths and some self-compassion, I considered each of the broken internal boundaries. All warranted attention and intervention, but I decided to begin with two that were at the top of my priority list: Family dinner and going to the gym. (Sorry, Maui and Einstein. You’re next.)
Facing Barriers with Self-Compassion
As I began the process of finding a strategy to address the broken boundaries, the barriers emerged almost instantly and made compelling arguments for keeping the schedule as it was. There were no easy solutions that could fix the situations immediately and that felt discouraging. There were sacrifices associated with making changes. It was going to be hard. It seemed insurmountable. Is it really that bad to be so overwhelmed all the time? It’s only four more years until the kids are finished with school and I’m an empty nester…there will be plenty of time then to honor all my internal boundaries.
Time for another deep breath and another dose of self-compassion. No, I don’t want to live a life ruled by an unrealistic schedule for four years. And so, I began searching for creative solutions to a complex problem.
After an hour, I had a good plan that would take approximately six weeks to fully implement. There were some sacrifices that weren’t easy to make, but they felt tolerable if they allowed the family dinners to proceed. Finding two-hour daytime slots for the gym was more challenging and required several failed efforts at scheduling Tetris before finding a solution that could work once mid-October rolls around and my Tuesday/Thursday morning schedules become flexible.
I smiled as I closed my computer. I felt good, hopeful, and inspired. I was ready to begin a new week, with my internal boundaries regenerated from the pieces that I had unintentionally broken by not honoring commitments that I had made to myself.
Life Lessons Learned
- I can’t have solid external boundaries if I don’t prioritize honoring my internal boundaries. Permeable boundaries make it difficult to figure out what I want versus what other people want or expect.
- When there is a lot to address, it helped me to start with the two highest priorities. I won’t regret my mail sorting procrastination on my deathbed, but I might regret missed time with my children or neglecting my health to help others be healthier.
- Create a reasonable (and specific) timeline that will set up the change for success. Issues that take a long time to get entangled typically won’t be resolved quickly.
- Authentic living requires clear internal and external boundaries. If I cannot be honest with myself or with others about my boundaries, I will be vulnerable to living a life characterized by “going through the motions” and people pleasing instead of challenging myself to explore the other side of my comfort zone.
- Healthy people will support boundaries that we put in place to protect our time, energy, priorities, and health. There is absolute truth to the idea that the only people who push back on our boundary-setting are the people who benefited from our not having had clear boundaries.
- We need loved ones to hold us accountable. I told multiple friends that I planned to change my schedule and shared my specific plans. In other words, sometimes it’s easier to protect my internal boundary by having a safety net external boundary.
Update. Two weeks later. The family dinner change has been a big success, and I look forward to it as I navigate my day’s google calendar. The boys are 14 and the train to independence is picking up speed. It feels good to sit together six nights a week and listen to them talk about how they are navigating the daily tasks of high school life. It inspired me to take it a step further. I put another time parameter on my work schedule to protect my weekends and allow for more time to engage in self-care and family time. And, though the mid-October schedule is still a few weeks away, I have managed to find time to go to the gym twice a week by placing intentional attention on the issue. The parallel process makes me smile. As my body is building muscle, my internal boundaries are getting stronger too.
Ubuntu, fellow travelers.
— Jennifer
*Cole, Terri. (2023). Boundary boss: The essential guide to talk true, be seen, and (finally) live free. Louisville, CO: Sounds True Adult. [Word of warning: her stated target audience is cisgendered women. My personal advice? Anyone would benefit from the recommendations and self-reflection the book inspires.]
